My latest birthday is set to arrive in a few days. It goes without saying that I’m thrilled. I will be 56, the age where Botox and other liquid injectables barely tighten the face and my smile turns at the downward angle. Also age spots. As a dark skinned Scot (yes there are some) why on earth should I have age spots. It couldn’t possibly be from the years of basking in the sun unprotected, could it?
Now I’m not saying that I want to look like Nicole Kidman, Courteney Cox, Meg Ryan, or the other actresses who mistakenly blew up their cheeks and lips but…….And what happened to Nicole’s freckles anyway? There faces don’t move. Real beauty is Helen Mirren and Judi Dench.
I always love when an star or celebrity claim to have never gone under the knife (except, of course, the always acceptable jug implants). Do these people (or at least their publicists) not realize that the internet serves as a source of show and tell? Although I must admit that the Kardashin Klan gets better and better with each procedure. And no Kim, it’s not shading, it’s called a nose job. Also if you’re insistent on wearing extensions, please stop playing with your hair Khloe. This may be the only family in the world where one of the girls gets lip injections, lies about it, and now makes a fortune launching paint products. (I want Kris Jenner as my mommy).
Lastly, the gift serenade. Married to my gem of an ex for far more years than any sane person could possibly tolerate, I suffered on that special day a parade of salad shooters, rice steamers, fryers, and crockpots. Now I cook only twice a year and aside from the mashed potatoes, it’s catered. And let’s not forget my beloved children. I still have an assortment of candles of many shapes, scents, and sizes, tiny sample perfumes that come free at the cosmetic counter, facial cream to tighten the skin, a mouse pad with Mickey gracing it’s cover, and gift certificates to Starbucks (I don’t drink coffee). A charitable contribution would be lovely especially if it came with the name Hermes or Cartier. My birthday wish this year, outside of a chocolate cake which I prefer but every year I receive vanilla, is that Kris Jenner will adopt me. What’s one more girl?